Most Recently...

My Boyfriend & I were asked to watch over His Sister's Boyfriends' Place while he is away on Tour (he's a musician) . She is also going with him for 2 weeks and flying back at somepoint on the 20th or 21st and letting us use her Jeep while she's gone - which is awesome.
He pretty much lives in the woods where its quiet and no one will really bother you. I love it up there.

He came by yesterday to drop off copies of keys and then later emailed me to say that he left some money "in the drawer under the coffee maker for 5 glow discs and glow chin?straps to place around the tree stumps" (( make shift disc golf course in his backyard))  after leaving the house and going up to the place to see him and say Merry Christmas early and wish him a blast of a time he mentioned to my boyfriend that also in the draw there are iTunes gift cards and extra $ to get ourselves a pair of hiking boots.

I went up about an hour ago to make sure which key was for what... (turns out the one he told me was  the house key was actually the studio key and visaversa) I opened the draw to find 2 iTunes giftcards and $500.00 in cash.  And My Jaw dropped, i honestly didnt expect to see that much.

So i sent my boyfriend a text to let him know of the findings and he said that "believe it or not theres probably extra money else where..."

& I doubt that.

This isnt anything i want to have an arguement over , i just feel like.. I don't know he expected more? When I was grateful when i saw the $500.00 That's plenty. Especially when He's letting us stay there and eat whatever food is already in the fridge/freezer. && We'll be working so its not like we won't be making money ontop of the gracious offer.

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I tell ya, sometimes i really can't stand the attitudes / expectations of some towards others. 

If I Make it through Winter, I'm going to celebrate.


AS MUCH as i would LOVE to start my life a new and settle down and have my own place and start a family and get a dog and live life my own way.... I don't have the financial means for that.

My life tumbled in Late Winter of 2009 and i'm SHOCKED I'm still here today. SHOCKED!

I hate starting over. I used to have my own car, my own apartment, a decent enough job that i could afford to get my nails done every 2 weeks, && now I have JACK SHIT! I started a new job in august and I've been saving little by little but i still have less than $500.00 in savings. That will get me nothing. The only way to make something of yourself is by...well making something of yourself. && Saving every penny counts. But its hard to save money when there are things you may need on a weekly / monthly basis. (like my medication) && If i have to start taking the train to work... i dont understand how i'll be able to save if i keep spending all that money on train tickets. or a commuter pass > but I'm not sure How much one of those is.  God, I hate everything!!!

I know nobody is reading this because My boyfriend is the only one who knows about this blog . At least he's the only one "following" me.

So Baby, Please don't take any of what i said harshly. I'm merely stating how I perceived your words... I love you more than Life itself. && That's true, (because as most have gathered, I'm not happy being alive...) But sometimes , i swear, your attitude drives me nuts (as I'm sure I do to you as well) I just feel like you've expected more from him... and I don't like thinking that. Its kind of rude...and maybe a bit selfish.

I don't know, who knows. I'm mentally unstable , but whatelse is new..

.... my brain hurts. Imma shut up now.