My Boyfriend & I were asked to watch over His Sister's Boyfriends' Place while he is away on Tour (he's a musician) . She is also going with him for 2 weeks and flying back at somepoint on the 20th or 21st and letting us use her Jeep while she's gone - which is awesome.
He pretty much lives in the woods where its quiet and no one will really bother you. I love it up there.
He came by yesterday to drop off copies of keys and then later emailed me to say that he left some money "in the drawer under the coffee maker for 5 glow discs and glow chin?straps to place around the tree stumps" (( make shift disc golf course in his backyard)) after leaving the house and going up to the place to see him and say Merry Christmas early and wish him a blast of a time he mentioned to my boyfriend that also in the draw there are iTunes gift cards and extra $ to get ourselves a pair of hiking boots.
I went up about an hour ago to make sure which key was for what... (turns out the one he told me was the house key was actually the studio key and visaversa) I opened the draw to find 2 iTunes giftcards and $500.00 in cash. And My Jaw dropped, i honestly didnt expect to see that much.
So i sent my boyfriend a text to let him know of the findings and he said that "believe it or not theres probably extra money else where..."
& I doubt that.
This isnt anything i want to have an arguement over , i just feel like.. I don't know he expected more? When I was grateful when i saw the $500.00 That's plenty. Especially when He's letting us stay there and eat whatever food is already in the fridge/freezer. && We'll be working so its not like we won't be making money ontop of the gracious offer.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I tell ya, sometimes i really can't stand the attitudes / expectations of some towards others.
If I Make it through Winter, I'm going to celebrate.
AS MUCH as i would LOVE to start my life a new and settle down and have my own place and start a family and get a dog and live life my own way.... I don't have the financial means for that.
My life tumbled in Late Winter of 2009 and i'm SHOCKED I'm still here today. SHOCKED!
I hate starting over. I used to have my own car, my own apartment, a decent enough job that i could afford to get my nails done every 2 weeks, && now I have JACK SHIT! I started a new job in august and I've been saving little by little but i still have less than $500.00 in savings. That will get me nothing. The only way to make something of yourself is by...well making something of yourself. && Saving every penny counts. But its hard to save money when there are things you may need on a weekly / monthly basis. (like my medication) && If i have to start taking the train to work... i dont understand how i'll be able to save if i keep spending all that money on train tickets. or a commuter pass > but I'm not sure How much one of those is. God, I hate everything!!!
I know nobody is reading this because My boyfriend is the only one who knows about this blog . At least he's the only one "following" me.
So Baby, Please don't take any of what i said harshly. I'm merely stating how I perceived your words... I love you more than Life itself. && That's true, (because as most have gathered, I'm not happy being alive...) But sometimes , i swear, your attitude drives me nuts (as I'm sure I do to you as well) I just feel like you've expected more from him... and I don't like thinking that. Its kind of rude...and maybe a bit selfish.
I don't know, who knows. I'm mentally unstable , but whatelse is new..
.... my brain hurts. Imma shut up now.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Word Vomit
The other day i went down the road to visit my father and extend MamaSmiths invite to him for Christmas Dinner. He gladly accepted, he even offered to make stuffed mushrooms (which i am TOTALLY excited about)
When my dad cooks, he COOOOKS granted its only an appetizer and he doesn't have a kitchen to work with , but he's got a toaster oven so that will work =]
We did some catching up, since i last saw him on Fathers Day on which he told me it was the first time in 3 years that i came to see him on Fathers Day.
My Dad is a wonderful man. He is. Despite what some may think.
He's an alcoholic, but he's a functioning alcoholic. He's my dad and i love him all the same.
I do NOT love alcohol. I do NOT enjoy Drunk people... If I'm drinking, i can assure you it is NOT to get "drunk". Fuck that. I'll have a glass of wine, or a martini here and there, but that's because A. They're tasty and B. I'm being "social" ....
but since when did "doing what other people do" make you a social person?
i thought having a good conversation made you a Social person. whatever.
&& this is why Blogs are great. Because i can just word vomit all i want spilling out whatever thought comes to mind in the moment I'm thinking it and slurge. Its not like an English 101 paper where you need to go over and make sure your sentence structure makes sense. Screw that. This is like an online "diary" or a "journal" for some of you. All in all its word vomit, and that's what we all need sometimes. To just let your fingers do the walking across the keyboard and everything is peachy keen yes? Sure. Why not?
My brain is going all over the place right now its rediculous. At one point in my life i was a good writer, i was a decent writer... i was a solid Poet.
I don't write anymore because i could care less about grammar and structure... but then again, i do care..still. Because when i read other peoples peices and the wrong they're/their/there is misused my head explodes and other little things like punctution. Spelling is difficult for me . Hell grammar (if you have yet to notice, is also difficult for me) any of these posts i will not be using spell check just so you all can witness.
In March of 2009 i was in a car accident that probably should have killed me. Instead it only took the life of my car...with said accident i probably suffered some brain damage. Most likely in the section that helps with spelling/grammar/punctuation.
Yeah. I'm gonna shut up now until i have something clever to say i suppose....
When my dad cooks, he COOOOKS granted its only an appetizer and he doesn't have a kitchen to work with , but he's got a toaster oven so that will work =]
We did some catching up, since i last saw him on Fathers Day on which he told me it was the first time in 3 years that i came to see him on Fathers Day.
My Dad is a wonderful man. He is. Despite what some may think.
He's an alcoholic, but he's a functioning alcoholic. He's my dad and i love him all the same.
I do NOT love alcohol. I do NOT enjoy Drunk people... If I'm drinking, i can assure you it is NOT to get "drunk". Fuck that. I'll have a glass of wine, or a martini here and there, but that's because A. They're tasty and B. I'm being "social" ....
but since when did "doing what other people do" make you a social person?
i thought having a good conversation made you a Social person. whatever.
&& this is why Blogs are great. Because i can just word vomit all i want spilling out whatever thought comes to mind in the moment I'm thinking it and slurge. Its not like an English 101 paper where you need to go over and make sure your sentence structure makes sense. Screw that. This is like an online "diary" or a "journal" for some of you. All in all its word vomit, and that's what we all need sometimes. To just let your fingers do the walking across the keyboard and everything is peachy keen yes? Sure. Why not?
My brain is going all over the place right now its rediculous. At one point in my life i was a good writer, i was a decent writer... i was a solid Poet.
I don't write anymore because i could care less about grammar and structure... but then again, i do care..still. Because when i read other peoples peices and the wrong they're/their/there is misused my head explodes and other little things like punctution. Spelling is difficult for me . Hell grammar (if you have yet to notice, is also difficult for me) any of these posts i will not be using spell check just so you all can witness.
In March of 2009 i was in a car accident that probably should have killed me. Instead it only took the life of my car...with said accident i probably suffered some brain damage. Most likely in the section that helps with spelling/grammar/punctuation.
Yeah. I'm gonna shut up now until i have something clever to say i suppose....
Thursday, December 1, 2011
It Was All A Dream
Hello, For those of you who don't know my name is Alexis. My other name is "Lillian" for those familiar with me on face and get confused on how to address me. I needed a quick suter name so that my crazy, psycho, alcoholic ex-boyfriend wouldn't find me. (That's a different story for later, if you're willing/ curious)
Recently, I've been having crazy dreams / nightmares and I wake up either in a state of Panic or Loss. In which I immediately set forth to get a Hug from my amazing loving boyfriend who reassures me it was just a dream, and that he is still here. That is very comforting for me. Because last night... last night was insane.
Last night I dreampt that I was at a local diner (oddly enough, eating alone) I had order a Turkey Burger and waffle fries for myself and a regular burger w/ all the fixin's and sweet potato fries for my love (to-go) and yet they delivered both burgers to me on one plate (which makes no sense, but whatever...) and as I'm chomping away at my delicious Turkey Burger the waitress approaches me and says,
"Honey, You're Glowing... are you eating for 2?" and I choked on my fry. I said, "Excuse me??"
" You're pregnant, right?"
" Not last I checked..."
" Oh, pardon me for being intrusive I just thought with all the food, and the Beautiful glow about you that..."
" Thank you, I'll take the check when you get a chance and have the rest of this wrapped up to-go please."
"Right away, excuse me again."
So I pay for my half eaten meal and make headway to whereever My love was hanging out for the evening to deliver him his burger and finish eating mine.
I get to the place and I start making my way up the stairs when I look up to see how many more steps I have, and just like Vertigo and the stair case grew emensly. Before I could even let my brain explode I just kept accelerating up the stairs until i finally come to a door marked " Enter If You Dare " and I could help but ask, " Where the Fuck am I ? What Is this Place? And Why is he HERE?" I entered through the creepy wood-rotten door and make my way through the dusty old dump of a "Hang out spot" and find a room full of complete strangers and my love, eyes all blood shot and the looks of confusion about them all. I walk towards him and hand over his burger and he looks and me / the burger as if he didn't remember he ordered it. I then hear a loud bang/ explosion type sound and turn to noticed some moron is lighing fire works from the fire escape (no pun intended if there were to be one..) I turn back to look at my love and he's just starring at me. Like, he wasn't even sure who I was... and he says, " you don't belong here. " I can't even describe what emotion took over me next but very confused and destraught I said to him, " what? are you kidding me? You don't belong here, whereever here even is... " and he says " No, You don't belong here. Who are you ? "
And very taken back by that statement I turned around and left. Suddenly there were less steps on my way down. I cried the whole way home and took a pregnancy test (because also had the waitress' words on my mind as well..) it came back possitive. And all i could think about was that the father of my un-born child doesn't know who i even am.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
&& Then I woke up.
Horrified. 1. I'm pretty sure I'm NOT pregnant & 2. My Love is still very aware of who I am and loves me as much as he did, if not more , than the day He first said " I love You"
*deep breathe*
It was All A Dream A horrible, fucked up twisted dream that I cannot for the life of me make any sense of.
For now, that is all.
Recently, I've been having crazy dreams / nightmares and I wake up either in a state of Panic or Loss. In which I immediately set forth to get a Hug from my amazing loving boyfriend who reassures me it was just a dream, and that he is still here. That is very comforting for me. Because last night... last night was insane.
Last night I dreampt that I was at a local diner (oddly enough, eating alone) I had order a Turkey Burger and waffle fries for myself and a regular burger w/ all the fixin's and sweet potato fries for my love (to-go) and yet they delivered both burgers to me on one plate (which makes no sense, but whatever...) and as I'm chomping away at my delicious Turkey Burger the waitress approaches me and says,
"Honey, You're Glowing... are you eating for 2?" and I choked on my fry. I said, "Excuse me??"
" You're pregnant, right?"
" Not last I checked..."
" Oh, pardon me for being intrusive I just thought with all the food, and the Beautiful glow about you that..."
" Thank you, I'll take the check when you get a chance and have the rest of this wrapped up to-go please."
"Right away, excuse me again."
So I pay for my half eaten meal and make headway to whereever My love was hanging out for the evening to deliver him his burger and finish eating mine.
I get to the place and I start making my way up the stairs when I look up to see how many more steps I have, and just like Vertigo and the stair case grew emensly. Before I could even let my brain explode I just kept accelerating up the stairs until i finally come to a door marked " Enter If You Dare " and I could help but ask, " Where the Fuck am I ? What Is this Place? And Why is he HERE?" I entered through the creepy wood-rotten door and make my way through the dusty old dump of a "Hang out spot" and find a room full of complete strangers and my love, eyes all blood shot and the looks of confusion about them all. I walk towards him and hand over his burger and he looks and me / the burger as if he didn't remember he ordered it. I then hear a loud bang/ explosion type sound and turn to noticed some moron is lighing fire works from the fire escape (no pun intended if there were to be one..) I turn back to look at my love and he's just starring at me. Like, he wasn't even sure who I was... and he says, " you don't belong here. " I can't even describe what emotion took over me next but very confused and destraught I said to him, " what? are you kidding me? You don't belong here, whereever here even is... " and he says " No, You don't belong here. Who are you ? "
And very taken back by that statement I turned around and left. Suddenly there were less steps on my way down. I cried the whole way home and took a pregnancy test (because also had the waitress' words on my mind as well..) it came back possitive. And all i could think about was that the father of my un-born child doesn't know who i even am.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
&& Then I woke up.
Horrified. 1. I'm pretty sure I'm NOT pregnant & 2. My Love is still very aware of who I am and loves me as much as he did, if not more , than the day He first said " I love You"
*deep breathe*
It was All A Dream A horrible, fucked up twisted dream that I cannot for the life of me make any sense of.
For now, that is all.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)